Fan: An Officer and a Gentlebird

RIP OFFICER MALONEY 1982-2014

 Officer Maloney is dead.

 He died on Thanksgiving Day, 2014, preventing the collision of our dimension and the 13th dimension.

 His sacrifice shall not be forgotten.

 He gave his life in the hope that others may live. In death, as in life, he protected and served.

 (Although he was probably better at it when he died.)

 The funeral was a sombre affair. Literally everybody came. His wife and child, his half-brother, the entire police force, The PIE Team, the Acachalla family, Phoenix Wright, Chuck Norris…

 A bunch of velociraptors!?

 And what the heck are all these birds doing here!?!



   * * * * *



And so, the time at last had come. Maloney closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It would all be over soon.

 He had to do this. For the human race, for the universe.

 For his family.

 It would all be over soon.

 Then sweet, sweet tranquillity, the peaceful embrace of oblivion beckoning.

 What goes through a dying man’s mind? Images flashed past of places and people long forgotten; his home, times long past. His youth in Malaysia! His parents! His brothers! Cousin Gregory! Ah, birthdays! Baloney and Ketchup Cake, his mother would bring out as the other children played in the back. Then his school days rushed by him. How had he come so far? Some bullies over there beating up that British rich kid. I’ll soon sort them out! On; to his academy days; his partner, back from the dead. Then that terrible, terrible day. His demotion; the death of his partner; his suspension from the force; he wasn’t allowed to drive or shoot guns anymore. “And just think,” he had said to Hershey, “the next time I shoot someone I could be arrested.”

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Then came Jurassic Park, with those Acachalla kids.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> His enlistment into the FBI.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> That incident with Brian.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Then he got his car back, then the Bubble Gun.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Then the Squirt Gun.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> And then… her.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> It’d just been another day patrolling when he saw her. Originally the only charges were speeding and dangerous driving, but as the day went on, she’d managed to rack up enough charges for several consecutive life sentences.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> The whole chase was, of course, just her flirting with him.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Then it happened.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> He didn’t know how she did it, but somehow she showed him something he’d never expected to see.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> She showed him who he really was.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> He knew then, from that moment as they waddled into the sunset together, she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Obviously, the discovery that he was a member of an interstellar avian race didn’t come without some major adjustments. He could shapeshift into a blackbird at will. He started eating more seeds and fruit. And he has an aviary at his home. Don’t ask.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Ah, that night we danced. That wonderful night. “Up Where We Belong” by Joe Crocker and Jennifer Warnes was playing. And they danced. Oh, did they dance.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' Some hang on what used to be; live their lives looking behind ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' All we have is here and now; all our lives, out there to find ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' The road is long; there are mountains in our way ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' But we climb a step every day ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' Love lifts up where we belong ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' Where the eagles cry on a mountain high ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' Love lifts us up where we belong ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' Far from the world below, where the clear winds blow ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Did he have to go on after this part? Maloney wanted to stay there. That was his time.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> His moment.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> GAH! SAW BLADES!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> GOLDEN FREDDY!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> AND JIMMY CASKET!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Then the news: his father was dead.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Suzie! And that guy who looks like Richard Nixon! Oh god, how did Ghost and Toast get here?

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Then he left the force for a while to raise a family. Maybe one day, he could go back to his home planet…

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> What’s that? Call from Batman?

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> I’ll be right back, he told his wife.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Just one last case.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> His last.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> ''This is Officer Maloney of the local precint, whaddya need? I'm not drunk, this is Thanksgiving, I've just out, had one too many bowls of Gravy.''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> ''"Hi, it's Gertrude!" said the voice on the other end.''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Alright Gerturde, whaddya need?

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> ''"What's wrong with your voice?" Asked Gertrude.''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> I'm standing outside your house and there's trees everywhere.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> "Why are you here?"

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> ''I just recieved a call from Batman. When Batman calls, Officer Maloney is here!''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> "Oh, well hi!"

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> ''Hey, how you doing sugarplums. Whaddya need?''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Yeah, there was Batman and a Bildsnipe and a papier-mache Gertrude, but then again he was a bit drunk.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> What is all that? Why is there blood and the hotdogs, cheezeburgers, some high-grade cereal, don't eat that before you go to work 'cause youre gonna have to poop like crazy. There's a fuselage for a space shuttle, there's a big gigantic owl... It looks like Tron peed on the door...

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Little short Morgan Freeman!?

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> -probably won't survive-

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> -take visual evidence-

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> -not for you, you're creepy-

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> -Aw look, he's a little bird-

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> -Can't-

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> -in the microwave-

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> ''TURN IT ON! TURN IT ON!''

Which brought him up to where he was now. He braced himself for the impact of the colliding dimensions.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> Another deep breath.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' I love you. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> There was a flash.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> NOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! All he could see was white.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;"> And then a face.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' YOU! ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' “Hello Maloney.” ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">''  Am I dead? ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' “Well, you’re dead in the sense that you no longer have a physical body.” ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' So why have you pulled me out this time? ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' “My- OUR- employers still have use of your skills. Though you may not be the most competent agent, you are certainly the most dedicated. You’re level-headed, hardworking, efficient, and I think we all know it was an accident.” ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' We agreed never to talk about that. ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' “Oh yeah. Well, never mind that. We’ve got work to do.” ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' One question- will I ever go back? ''

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">'' “Maybe. Only time will tell…” ''